This is an archive of the Jay Leno Headlines.  Older Headlines no longer available on the NBC website are at the bottom.

John Kerry takes the heat head on…
…and one speedy little protozoan that gets great gas mileage
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One woman just stands there with a blank look on her face…
...and Radisson Hotels anoint the worthy
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Flounder fishing with a rod that really reels 'em in…
…and Sweetpea gets love and infection
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Dentistry that'll give you a radiant, rabid smile…
…and the NAACP leaves a mark that can't be beaten -- or eaten
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The Easter bunny seeks therapy from quacking up…
…and Bergdorf Goofman makes a stylin', new gown
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A child with a penchant for -- SPLAT!
…and Lake Isabella Cremation and Funeral Society cooks up quite a BBQ
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A bullseye square between the eyes of the one you love...
…and raising a child that doesn't muckamuck around
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A cherubically-challenged angel bound for hell…
…and have a 'pottie' when you install the Toilet Paper Teaser
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A tubby tabby says, 'Super Size Me'…
…and child welfare gets all warm and sudsy with a tot in the spin cycle
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Tim Russert's natural alternative to Sominex…
…and kick back and fight terrorism from your own La-Z-Boy recliner
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Bush counts on four more years…
…and New York State's Mrs. Congeniality turns on the charm and floors it!
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P. Diddy makes a pact with the Devil…
…and one stupefyingly good reason to use your headlights
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A protective mask for those needing to hunker down at home…
…and Lynch-burg has a golf tournament
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Take a lick for Jesus kosher style…
…and blow your dad away with a bang up Father's Day gift
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Dumb as a doorknob; idiotic like an intercom…
…and if you're a big baby, we've got the car
for you

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Celebrating the holidays with a ball bustin' nutcracker…
…and is there any gift greater than the gift of chewing?
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A fashion statement that does a bang up job…
…and, if you use your imagination, a nekkid shot of actress Jennifer Connelly
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Listen up! The dainty cyclone is coming!
…and a romantic sunset cruise watching the whale you love
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When a tube sock isn't good enough…
…and Bert cracks under the pressure on Sesame
Street

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A couple of royal weiners tie the knot…
...and a bunch of Dicks get together for quite a
PAR-TEEEEEEE!

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Welcome back, TURD!…
…and we hate to break it to you, but Fluffy ain't coming home
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Santa makes a proctologist's dream come true…
…and a sign that your breast implants may be a little too rock hard
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Oh my gosh, I'm white!…
…and there's nothing more exciting than seeing the world with your best friend's spouse
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Martha Stewart's lawyers have a habit and make
a vow…

…+ a PlayStation Phys Ed class nixed for fat-assed kids
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Whip up a tasty dessert perfect for Desert Storm...
…and one dude dresses in his finest duds in the name of duty
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Those Flaming Fricks are getting married!…
…and the Dalai Lama's message of peace & love delivered with a one-two punch
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Putting the monkey back in 'monkey business,' nyuknyuk…
…and happy birthday to the impotent one
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A fussy, pissy pussy…
…and juvenile delinquency just keeps starting younger and younger
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A fry pan gets egg on its non-stick face…
…and a handy dandy flatulence filter for flying above your seat
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Little Timmy fights gender confusion in his Wonder Woman Underoos...
…and candy that's like chokin' down a phlegm ball
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Can't bring toenail clippers? Try a Bowie knife…
…and a 'bear that's smarter than the average bear,
Boo-Boo'

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Howard Dean takes a fetching bride…
…and flaunting masculinity in a form-fitting, lycra thong at the local tea dance
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Relax at Reefer Resort…
…and Stanley Sue receives the distinguished 'Me, Me, All For Me!' Award
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Baby Face Nelson on the lam in Plano…
…and a real estate agent with a 'come hither' approach to selling houses
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Jesus dons a hardhat and takes up a new trade…
…and see what brings Jay and Dave together for a neighborly pint 'o beer
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A cartoon kitty gives the 'what, to, for'…
…and angels in need of 'over the shoulder boulder holders'
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Private Jenkins gets desert fever…
…and fun, winter stories involving Imodium Anti-Diarrheal
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Ahmein Brooks takes his Colon on
a date…

…and 1 kid + 1 firecracker = KABOOM!
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Special group rates on honeymoons…
…and a princess with a penchant for death-defying performances
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A far-too-often, once-in-a-lifetime occurance…
…and one man gets more on the sunny-side-up than he ordered
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One guy who could be crowned King of Everest…
…plus a physically-challenged squirrel seeks a special new abode
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Bras and why women need to wear them…
…plus olfactory cavity irrigation for those that don't mind looking butt ugly
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Apple Jacks that have a knack of packing smack...
…and a pizza that'll have you running to the bathroom to blow your nose
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What that purveyor of Weapons of Mass Destruction is hawking now…
…and a baby whose first word is 'Propecia'
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Save Timmy's precious time at the trough…
…and buy a CD that harkens back to that riotous, gay ol' time, the Great Depression
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A fencing company that's all about safe sex……
…and a kid that has big feet -- which means he also has… big boots
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Sloppy seconds that will trip you up…
…and Tiger spends two years 'in the pen' and gets 'scared straight'
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A sprinkle of grandpa for your coffee…
…and if you're Gustav Prithvijaj, we've got the perfect hair care products for you
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One more reason to be afraid of clowns…
…and one man takes his genitals on the water ride of its life
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'It's Not Easy Being Green' sun screen…
…and a sign for those that can't read and a monologue for those who can't hear
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The butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker troll for body parts…
…and Tammy King is heralded as 'ass of the month.'
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A clown that marches to the beat of his own Army…
…and a mattress company for the 'Princess and the Pea'
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An Alaskan Malamute with chicken lips…
…and a potty-mouthed salmon that let 'er rips
@!#%$&*

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A 1985 Lesbian for sale…
…and a woman 'takes one on the chin' and doesn't know whether she's coming or going
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Dr. Feelgood feels up to being baaaad…
…and a beer designed to get the whole fam-damnily soused
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A one-eyed jack gives smack…
…and a couple of countrified kids get a 'bang' out of chess
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One Barbie doll's twisted ways…
…and a robber who got more 'bang than buck' as he fled the crime scene
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One doc fights SARS but gets black lung…
…and why it's so important to stay out of the way of Little Debbie trucks
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Eye-popping fun w/ male enhancement surgery...
…and a gumball machine that's gotten a little too big for its britches
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A travel tote bag for the crafty terrorist
in you…

...and a Johnson comes together with a Rector
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One racehorse gets a leg up on the competition…
…and a cat that takes umbrage with the name
'Phantom'
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Honor your trollop of a mom on Mother's
Day…

…and Jay's evil twin Jan hits the Cat Skills
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What can literally blow your whole day…
…and Bob's Big Boy says, 'Don't let the door hit you on your way out'
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A nightcap for Nefertiti…
…and one job that will have you up to your elbows in crap
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A hair barber for your Tom, Dick or Dalmation…
…and a baby from the school of 'wham, bam, thank you, ma'am'
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